Ever find yourself lying awake at night, replaying every conversation you had, wondering if maybe you were too much? Or, on the flip side, do you sometimes feel like you’re not enough? Not giving enough, not doing enough, just not enough?
First off, let’s start with this: you are enough, just as you are. But I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of self-doubt, especially when relationships start to feel a little off. Whether it’s romantic, friendships, or even family connections, it’s tough to shake that nagging feeling that maybe something’s wrong with you.
You’re not alone in this. We’ve all been there, wondering, “Is it me? Or is it them?” Today, we’re going to dive into how to figure out where those feelings are coming from and what to do about them. Because trust me, figuring this out can lead to a huge weight lifting off your shoulders. Let’s get started!
Why Do I Feel Like I’m Too Much?
Have you ever been told you’re “too sensitive” or “too emotional”? Or maybe someone hinted that you’re too needy or too intense? It’s a tough pill to swallow because, at the end of the day, you’re just trying to be you. And honestly, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Here’s what’s happening: when we feel like we’re too much, it’s often because we’re not getting our needs met. You’re probably giving a lot emotionally, but maybe you’re not seeing the same effort in return. It’s not that you’re “too much”; it’s that the person on the receiving end might not know how to meet you where you are.
Key takeaway? You are not too much for the right people. You just might be asking the wrong person to give you what you need.
How Do I Know If I’m “Not Enough”?
Now, let’s talk about that other dreaded feeling: feeling like you’re not enough. This one cuts deep. Maybe you’ve been in situations where you felt like no matter what you did, it just wasn’t enough for someone else. They always wanted more—more time, more affection, more attention—and you just couldn’t keep up.
But here’s the thing: you are enough. Sometimes, the problem isn’t that you’re not giving enough; it’s that the other person’s expectations are out of sync with reality. Or maybe they’re just not capable of appreciating everything you bring to the table. That’s on them, not on you.
Key takeaway? If you’re constantly feeling like you’re not enough, it might be time to ask whether you’re surrounding yourself with people who truly appreciate and value you for who you are.
Is It Me or Them?
So, how do you know if the problem is you or them? The truth is, it’s probably a little bit of both. Relationships are a two-way street, and both people play a role in how things play out. But let’s break it down a bit further to help you figure out where the disconnect might be.
1. Check In With Yourself First
Before pointing fingers, it’s important to take a step back and self-reflect. Ask yourself some honest questions:
- Am I communicating my needs clearly, or am I expecting others to just know what I need?
- Am I setting healthy boundaries, or am I giving too much and burning out?
- Is there something I can improve about how I express myself in relationships?
Self-awareness is key here. If you realize there are areas where you can improve, that’s great! Growth is always a good thing. But don’t beat yourself up over it—this is about progress, not perfection.
2. Look at Their Behavior
Now, let’s take a look at the other side of the equation: how are they treating you?
- Are they making an effort to meet you halfway, or are they always expecting you to compromise?
- Do they acknowledge your feelings, or do they dismiss them as “too much”?
- Are they encouraging you to be yourself, or do they make you feel like you have to shrink or change to be accepted?
If someone consistently makes you feel like you’re not enough—or like you’re too much—it might not be you at all. It might be that they’re not capable of giving you the love, attention, or respect that you deserve.
Key takeaway? Pay attention to how people respond to your needs. If they’re dismissive or constantly critical, that’s a reflection of their limitations, not yours.
How to Stop Feeling Like You’re Too Much or Not Enough
Now that we’ve established that you’re not the problem (or at least not entirely!), let’s talk about how to break free from these feelings of inadequacy.
1. Get Clear on Your Needs
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to get super clear on what you need in a relationship—whether that’s with a partner, friend, or family member. When you know what you need, it’s easier to communicate those needs and recognize when they’re not being met.
Think about:
- How do you like to give and receive love?
- What makes you feel valued and appreciated?
- What are your non-negotiables in a relationship?
Once you’re clear on these, you can start building relationships with people who get you, instead of bending over backward for people who don’t.
2. Stop Apologizing for Who You Are
This one’s big. If you constantly feel like you’re too much or not enough, chances are you’re spending a lot of time apologizing for simply being yourself. Whether it’s apologizing for needing space or saying sorry for expressing your feelings, it’s time to cut that out.
You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to be emotional, passionate, or sensitive. The people who truly care about you won’t make you feel like you have to apologize for any of it.
3. Find People Who Match Your Energy
Not everyone is going to be a good match for your personality, and that’s okay. Instead of changing yourself to fit into someone else’s expectations, find people who match your energy.
If you’re someone who loves deep, meaningful conversations, find people who are into that. If you’re someone who’s more laid-back and chill, surround yourself with others who vibe with that. The more you connect with people who get you, the less you’ll feel like you’re too much or not enough.
4. Set Healthy Boundaries
Sometimes, feeling like you’re too much or not enough comes from not having clear boundaries. If you’re constantly bending over backward to please others, or if you’re giving more than you’re receiving, it’s time to put some boundaries in place.
Boundaries are your way of saying, “This is what I need, and I won’t settle for less.” They help you protect your energy and make sure that your relationships are balanced and healthy.
5. Own Your Worth
This might be the hardest step, but it’s also the most important: own your worth. You are valuable. You bring something unique to the table, and the right people will see that.
When you start owning your worth, you’ll stop settling for relationships that make you feel like you’re not enough. You’ll stop questioning whether you’re too much. You’ll realize that you’re exactly the right amount for the people who truly appreciate you.
What to Do If It’s “Them”
Sometimes, no matter how much you reflect, communicate, and set boundaries, you’ll still feel like you’re not enough for certain people. And guess what? That’s okay.
It’s not your job to be “enough” for everyone.
If someone can’t meet you where you are—whether it’s a partner, a friend, or even a family member—that’s not a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of their capacity to connect, understand, or value what you bring to the relationship.
In situations like this, it’s okay to take a step back. Protect your energy. Prioritize relationships where you feel seen, valued, and appreciated for who you are.
Final Thoughts
Feeling like you’re too much or not enough is exhausting. But here’s the truth: you are exactly enough. You don’t have to change who you are to fit into someone else’s expectations. You don’t have to shrink to make other people comfortable.
The right people will love you for all that you are—flaws, quirks, and everything in between.
So next time you find yourself wondering, “Is it me or them?” remember this: you are enough. The people who matter will make sure you know it.