Attachment styles play a huge role in how we experience love and relationships, shaping how close we allow others to get, how we handle conflict, and how secure we feel in our partner’s affections. So, what happens if you realize your attachment style is bringing more stress than joy into your love life? Can you change your attachment style? The answer is yes—attachment styles aren’t set in stone, and with self-awareness and a few intentional shifts, you can start moving towards a secure style that leads to lasting, fulfilling love.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment styles are generally shaped early in life through our first bonds with caregivers, but they continue to influence our romantic relationships as adults. While attachment styles vary, they’re often grouped into three main categories:
- Anxious Attachment: This style is characterized by a craving for closeness and a heightened sensitivity to any signs of withdrawal from a partner. People with an anxious attachment style may worry frequently about the state of their relationship, often seeking reassurance.
- Avoidant Attachment: Avoidant individuals value independence and often feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. They may keep emotional distance as a way to feel secure, which can make relationships challenging when their partner craves intimacy.
- Secure Attachment: The secure attachment style is defined by a healthy balance of intimacy and independence. Those with secure attachment tend to communicate openly, trust easily, and feel comfortable with closeness without feeling suffocated.
Understanding your current attachment style is the first step towards making positive changes. Awareness of how you typically respond in relationships can help you start moving toward a more secure attachment style.
Recognizing Your Own Patterns
We all have patterns that can either help or hinder our relationships. Here are a few questions to help you reflect on your current attachment style and see where you might want to make changes:
- Do you often feel anxious or insecure if your partner doesn’t respond to texts or seems distant?
- Do you need a lot of space in relationships and feel uncomfortable with too much dependency?
- Do you generally feel safe, comfortable, and able to communicate your needs openly in relationships?
If you lean towards the anxious or avoidant attachment styles, don’t worry. You’re not alone, and many people find themselves in a similar position. The good news is that these patterns aren’t permanent.
Steps to Cultivate a Secure Attachment Style
Moving towards a secure attachment style is entirely possible with practice and a little guidance. Here’s how to get started:
1. Increase Self-Awareness
Take time to reflect on past relationships and notice any recurring themes. Self-awareness is the foundation of change because it helps you identify patterns in your behaviors and thoughts. If you find that you often worry about your partner’s commitment or tend to pull back emotionally, acknowledging these tendencies is the first step towards modifying them.
2. Practice Open Communication
Securely attached people are usually comfortable communicating their needs, but this skill can be learned no matter your starting point. Practice expressing your needs and feelings in a straightforward, non-accusatory way. Rather than expecting your partner to guess how you feel, try saying, “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you for a while” or “I need a little space to recharge.”
3. Set Small, Achievable Goals
Changing deeply ingrained patterns doesn’t happen overnight. Start with small, realistic goals to build confidence. For example, if you tend to get anxious when your partner is out with friends, set a goal to enjoy your evening without checking in constantly. If you’re more avoidant, practice letting your partner know you appreciate them, even if vulnerability feels uncomfortable.
4. Lean on Positive Self-Talk
Rewiring attachment habits often involves addressing the underlying fears that drive them. People with an anxious attachment style may worry about being abandoned, while avoidant individuals fear losing their independence. Positive self-talk can help counter these fears. Remind yourself that you’re worthy of love and that it’s okay to depend on others while maintaining your independence.
The Importance of Building Trust
Building trust is essential for developing a secure attachment style. Trust doesn’t just mean trusting others; it also means trusting yourself to handle whatever comes your way. If you tend to feel anxious in relationships, practice trusting that your partner cares for you even when you’re not receiving constant reassurance. If you lean towards avoidance, practice trusting that closeness doesn’t mean losing your sense of self.
Ways to Build Trust:
- Consistency: Show up for your partner consistently, and notice when they do the same for you. Consistency is a big factor in building mutual trust.
- Dependability: Follow through on your promises, and expect the same from your partner. Small actions like calling when you say you will or being there when needed build a foundation of reliability.
- Open Feedback: Encourage open communication about how both of you feel in the relationship. Address any insecurities or misunderstandings with honesty rather than defensiveness.
Healing Past Wounds
Sometimes, shifting to a more secure attachment style involves healing from past emotional wounds. If previous relationships or early experiences with caregivers left you feeling abandoned, unloved, or suffocated, these memories may still influence how you view love and connection. Healing these wounds can be transformative and may involve practices like journaling, therapy, or simply spending time with people who offer genuine love and support.
Practices for Healing:
- Therapy: A counselor can help you process past hurts and learn new, healthier patterns in relationships.
- Journaling: Write about your relationship patterns and the feelings that arise in moments of anxiety or avoidance. Sometimes seeing these thoughts on paper can help you gain clarity.
- Surrounding Yourself with Positivity: Spend time with friends and family who lift you up and reinforce that you’re deserving of love and respect.
Practicing Secure Habits Daily
Changing your attachment style requires ongoing effort, especially if you’re trying to replace habits that have been there for a long time. Here are some daily practices that can help reinforce secure attachment habits:
1. Embrace Vulnerability
It might feel uncomfortable at first, but letting yourself be vulnerable is key to building a strong, lasting relationship. Open up to your partner about your hopes, fears, and dreams. Remember, vulnerability doesn’t make you weak—it makes you real.
2. Give Your Partner Space (and Take Yours)
In a healthy relationship, both partners can balance closeness with independence. Giving space helps avoid burnout and keeps the relationship fresh. It’s okay to have solo hobbies, meet with friends individually, or spend time pursuing your personal interests.
3. Seek Reassurance, But Not Excessively
Everyone needs reassurance now and then, but when it becomes constant, it can be exhausting for both partners. Try checking in with yourself before seeking reassurance. Are you genuinely feeling insecure, or is this a pattern that has shown up before? Sometimes, recognizing a pattern is all it takes to break free from it.
Can Attachment Styles Really Change?
Yes, attachment styles can change! Studies show that about one in four people naturally shift their attachment styles over time, especially when they experience a series of positive, healthy relationships. Moving from an anxious or avoidant style to a secure one often involves feeling valued, safe, and supported over an extended period. So, if you’re in a healthy, supportive relationship, or working on building self-love and trust, you’re already on the right path.
Loving Yourself Through the Process
As you work to change your attachment style, be patient and kind to yourself. Changing attachment patterns can be challenging, and it’s normal to slip up along the way. Celebrate your progress, even if it feels small. Over time, these changes will build up, leading to a stronger sense of security and more fulfilling relationships.
Surrounding Yourself with Secure Relationships
It’s easier to cultivate secure attachment habits when you’re surrounded by people who are also secure. This might mean reevaluating certain friendships or relationships. If you find that certain connections trigger insecurity or reinforce avoidance, consider whether they’re truly supporting your growth. A partner, friend, or family member who values open communication, respect, and trust can have a positive influence on your attachment style.
Attachment styles don’t define who you are, but they can shape how you relate to love. By understanding your tendencies and taking intentional steps toward a secure style, you can create healthier relationships, not only with others but also with yourself. The journey may take time, but remember—lasting love begins with a secure foundation, and you have the power to build it.