We’ve all been there, caught up in the excitement of a new connection. You start daydreaming about the future—what it would be like to share your life with someone special, travel together, maybe even get that cute little place with a white picket fence. It feels so real. So perfect. But then reality starts to creep in, and you’re left wondering… is this love, or are you just chasing a fantasy?
It’s easy to get caught up in the idea of what could be rather than focusing on what actually is. If you’re constantly left hoping, wishing, or waiting for someone to become the person you need, you might be falling in love with the fantasy instead of the real thing.
Let’s talk about how to tell the difference, and what you can do to make sure you’re pursuing a love that’s real, not just one that exists in your imagination.
The Allure of the “Perfect” Love Story
There’s something about a great love story that’s just so captivating, right? We grow up surrounded by movies, books, and fairy tales that paint this picture of “perfect” love—where the hero always saves the day and the couple lives happily ever after. It’s no wonder we sometimes get caught up chasing that ideal.
But here’s the thing: real love isn’t about perfection. It’s about connection. It’s about being there for each other, even when things get messy or complicated. When you’re chasing a fantasy, you’re often chasing the idea of perfection instead of embracing the reality of what’s actually in front of you.
If you find yourself constantly wishing that your relationship could look more like a rom-com, or if you’re always trying to “fix” things to make them match up to your ideal, it might be time to ask yourself whether you’re in love with the person… or just the story you’ve created in your mind.
Signs You Might Be Chasing a Fantasy
It’s not always easy to recognize when you’re chasing a fantasy, especially when your emotions are involved. But if you’re constantly struggling to make your relationship fit into a perfect little box, or if you’re always feeling let down, it could be a sign that you’re more invested in the fantasy than the actual relationship.
Here are some red flags to watch out for:
- You’re always imagining how things could be different. If you’re constantly daydreaming about how amazing your relationship could be if only he’d change, or if certain circumstances were different, you’re not really focusing on the reality of what is.
- You’re in love with potential, not the present. Falling in love with someone’s potential can be a dangerous trap. It’s easy to see what could happen and ignore the fact that the person standing in front of you isn’t living up to that vision.
- You’re ignoring red flags. When you’re caught up in a fantasy, you tend to overlook the not-so-great things about the relationship. You make excuses for behavior that should be deal-breakers because you’re holding on to the idea of what could be.
- You’re constantly trying to “fix” the relationship. If you find yourself always trying to mold the relationship into something else, or you’re doing all the emotional labor to keep it afloat, it’s time to step back and evaluate whether this is real love or just wishful thinking.
It’s okay to have high hopes, but make sure those hopes aren’t clouding your judgment about the relationship’s actual state.
The Difference Between Real Love and a Fantasy
So, what does real love look like? It’s not always grand gestures and passionate declarations. It’s not a perfect Instagram feed or a fairy-tale ending. Real love is steady, consistent, and grounded in reality.
- Real love sees the flaws and accepts them. When you truly love someone, you’re not constantly wishing they’d change or be different. You’re able to see them for who they are, imperfections and all, and love them anyway. You’re not waiting for them to “become” someone better.
- Real love is about effort, not fantasy. It takes work. There will be challenges, disagreements, and compromises. But there’s also a mutual effort to make things work, a desire to grow together, and a commitment to be there for each other.
- Real love doesn’t feel like a constant chase. If you’re always chasing, hoping for change, or waiting for something to happen, that’s not love—it’s a fantasy. True love isn’t about waiting for someone to finally live up to your expectations.
If you’re feeling more anxious than fulfilled in your relationship, it’s a sign that you might be chasing an idea rather than experiencing genuine connection.
Are You Trying to Fill a Void?
Let’s get real for a second. Sometimes, the reason we chase fantasies is because we’re trying to fill a void. We think that if we just find the “perfect” partner or relationship, everything else in our life will magically fall into place. It’s like we’re looking for a relationship to “complete” us.
But no one can do that. Not really. If you’re relying on a relationship to fill the gaps in your own happiness, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s important to make sure you’re already feeling complete on your own, before expecting someone else to fill that space.
- Reflect on your own needs. Are you looking for someone to make you feel validated, or are you truly seeking connection? There’s a big difference. If you’re constantly feeling empty when you’re not in a relationship, it’s worth exploring how you can bring more fulfillment into your own life.
- Learn to recognize emotional dependency. Being in a relationship because you feel like you need to be with someone isn’t healthy. Make sure your desire for love isn’t masking a deeper need for self-acceptance or validation.
You’re worthy of real, honest love. But you need to know that love isn’t there to complete you—it’s there to enhance what you already have.
How to Shift from Fantasy to Reality
It’s okay if you realize you’ve been chasing a fantasy. It happens! The good news is, you can shift your mindset to focus on what’s real. Here’s how:
- Get honest with yourself. What are your true feelings? Are you happy with your relationship as it is, or are you always wishing it would change? Make a list of what you truly want in a partner and see how it matches up with the person you’re with.
- Focus on the present. Instead of always thinking about how things “could be,” try to live in the moment. Pay attention to what’s happening right now, not just what you wish would happen.
- Talk to your partner. If you realize that you’ve been caught up in a fantasy, have an honest conversation with your partner about your needs. See if you’re both on the same page about where the relationship is heading.
- Stop making excuses for bad behavior. If there are clear red flags, don’t brush them under the rug. It’s important to acknowledge the things that don’t sit right with you and take action if needed.
You can have high expectations for your relationship without getting lost in an unrealistic fantasy. It’s about finding a balance between what you hope for and what’s actually possible.
Don’t Settle for Less, but Don’t Chase What Isn’t There
It’s tricky, isn’t it? You don’t want to settle for less than you deserve, but at the same time, you don’t want to keep chasing something that just isn’t there. The key is to recognize whether the relationship you’re in is meeting your real needs or just your fantasies.
- Be realistic about what love looks like. Love doesn’t mean you’re happy 24/7. It means working through the tough times together and choosing each other over and over again. If you’re looking for a relationship where everything is always perfect, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.
- Recognize when you’re projecting. Sometimes, we project our own desires onto our partners, expecting them to be the answer to everything we want. But remember, they’re human too. They have their own flaws and struggles, just like you.
- Know when to walk away. If you’re constantly feeling unfulfilled, it’s time to ask yourself whether you’re holding onto the relationship out of love or out of a desire for what you wish it could be. It’s okay to let go of something that’s not real.
You deserve a love that is as real and honest as it is beautiful. Don’t settle for less, but don’t keep chasing something that’s only in your head.
Final Thoughts
Knowing if you’re chasing love or just a fantasy can be challenging, but it’s so important for your emotional well-being. Real love isn’t about perfection, potential, or always getting what you want. It’s about connection, effort, and choosing to be with someone who sees you, values you, and meets you where you are.
It’s okay to want the fairytale, but remember that even the best love stories have ups and downs. Don’t let yourself get caught up in an illusion of what you think love should look like. Instead, embrace the beauty of what’s real, even if it’s a little messy or imperfect.
If you’re finding yourself constantly wishing things were different, it’s time to take a step back and evaluate whether you’re in love with the person in front of you or just the idea of who they could be. You deserve a love that’s true, genuine, and real—just like you.