Let’s be honest—falling in love with love itself is easy to do. Romance has this irresistible allure, this dreamlike quality that can sweep you off your feet, especially when you’ve longed for that special connection. But sometimes, it’s possible to get so wrapped up in the idea of love that you don’t realize your relationship may not actually be giving you what you want or need. Instead, you’re hooked on the vision of what love should look like.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, Am I really in love with him? Or am I more in love with the feeling of being in love? you’re not alone. This article is for you. Let’s dive into how to recognize when it’s the idea of love you’re in love with, why it happens, and how to shift focus to ensure you’re in a relationship that fulfills you on a deeper level.
Signs You’re More in Love with Love Than with Him
Before we get into the “why” and “how-to,” let’s look at some signs that you might be more into the idea of love than into the person you’re with.
1. You’re Obsessed with “Perfect Romance” Fantasies
If you find yourself daydreaming about romance in an idealized way—like the scenes from romantic movies or fairytale endings—it’s possible you’re more in love with love itself than with the reality of your partner.
- You imagine grand gestures. You want the romance, the surprises, the big love declarations—all the things that make you feel “in love.” These can be lovely in moderation, but when they dominate your thoughts, it may signal that you’re more into the idea than the reality.
- You expect constant excitement. Real relationships aren’t always a thrill ride. If you’re constantly seeking that “high” of infatuation and feel disappointed when things calm down, it could mean you’re hooked on the feeling rather than the relationship.
True love often feels steady and comfortable, rather than like a whirlwind of movie-worthy moments. If you’re fixated on the fantasy, it might be time to reassess.
2. You Feel Like Something’s “Missing,” but Can’t Pinpoint What
Sometimes, when we’re more in love with the idea of love, there’s a subtle feeling that something’s not quite right—but we can’t quite put our finger on it.
- You’re not fulfilled on a deeper level. Despite having a partner, you might feel an unshakable sense of incompleteness. If the relationship doesn’t feel deeply fulfilling, it might be a sign that it’s the “relationship” concept you’re in love with, not the connection itself.
- The relationship feels surface-level. True love grows and deepens over time. If you feel like your relationship is lacking emotional depth, it could be because you’re more invested in having a relationship than in truly knowing your partner.
Feeling like something’s missing can be a huge indicator that you’re in love with the idea of love more than the reality of it.
3. You’re Ignoring Red Flags
When we’re in love with love, it’s easy to overlook things that might not align with a healthy, happy relationship.
- You brush off incompatibilities. If you’re ignoring things that don’t quite match up—like differences in values, goals, or habits—it could be because you’re more focused on “having a relationship” than on finding the right one.
- You overlook behavior that makes you unhappy. Whether it’s lack of communication, inconsistency, or other issues, ignoring things that bother you is a sign that you’re prioritizing the idea of being in love over your own happiness.
Remember, true love doesn’t mean compromising on what makes you feel safe, happy, and valued. If you’re ignoring red flags, it might be time to look deeper.
4. You Feel Insecure When You’re Single
A telltale sign that you may be in love with love itself is if you feel incomplete without a relationship. Sometimes, we seek out love to fill a void, but this can lead to unsatisfying relationships that don’t truly fulfill us.
- You rush into relationships. If you feel a need to be in a relationship for the sake of it, you might find yourself rushing into connections that aren’t actually right for you.
- You need constant validation. Feeling loved and validated is wonderful, but if you feel a sense of emptiness when you’re single, it could mean that you’re using love as a source of self-worth rather than finding it within.
True fulfillment comes from within. If you’re relying on relationships to feel whole, it’s worth exploring ways to build your self-worth independently of romance.
5. Your Feelings Are Based More on Potential Than Reality
Sometimes, we fall in love with who we think someone could be, rather than who they actually are. This is often a sign that we’re in love with love itself rather than the reality of the relationship.
- You’re hoping he’ll change. If you’re constantly imagining how great things would be if he were more like this or that, it may be a sign you’re more invested in potential than reality.
- You romanticize the future. Imagining a beautiful future together is normal, but if you’re more focused on that future than on who he is in the present, it could indicate that you’re idealizing love rather than experiencing it fully.
It’s easy to get swept away by the idea of who someone could be, but real love is about embracing who they are now, flaws and all.
Why We Fall in Love with the Idea of Love
There are plenty of reasons we can fall in love with the idea of love itself. Understanding these reasons can help you gain clarity on what you truly want in a relationship.
- Romantic expectations from media. Movies, books, and social media paint love as a grand, fairy-tale experience. But real relationships are messier and more grounded. If you’ve grown up seeing idealized versions of love, it’s easy to fall in love with the fantasy.
- Fear of loneliness. Being single can feel daunting, and some people turn to relationships as a way to avoid loneliness. But filling a void with romance rarely leads to lasting fulfillment.
- Self-worth tied to relationships. Society often glorifies being “in a relationship,” which can make people feel like their value is tied to their relationship status. When we seek validation through relationships, we may find ourselves falling in love with the idea of love.
When you understand why you’re drawn to love itself, you can begin to approach relationships in a more authentic, fulfilling way.
How to Shift from Loving Love to Loving Your Partner
If you’re realizing that you might be more in love with love than with him, don’t worry. It’s completely possible to shift your focus and build a more grounded, genuine connection.
1. Get Clear on What You Truly Want
Take some time to reflect on what you really want in a partner and in a relationship. This can help you ensure you’re in it for the right reasons.
- List qualities you value in a partner. Think beyond the romantic gestures. Focus on values, compatibility, and qualities that truly matter to you.
- Define what love means to you. What does love feel like? Look like? Understanding what love means to you can help you recognize if the relationship aligns with that vision.
- Ask yourself if he meets those qualities. Take an honest look at whether your partner possesses these qualities, or if you’re overlooking them for the sake of the relationship.
Knowing what you truly want helps you recognize if you’re in love with him or with the idea of love itself.
2. Build a Foundation of Friendship
Strong relationships are built on more than romance; they’re rooted in friendship, understanding, and mutual respect.
- Get to know him deeply. Focus on building a genuine friendship. Spend time together without the pressure of romance and see how well you connect on a personal level.
- Look for shared values. Values like respect, kindness, and integrity are essential for a lasting relationship. See if you share these qualities beyond the romantic connection.
- Prioritize honest communication. True love is about being open and vulnerable. Build a foundation where both of you can express yourselves honestly, without fear of judgment.
When you have a foundation of friendship, the relationship feels more grounded and genuine.
3. Focus on Emotional Connection, Not Just Romance
The rush of romantic gestures is amazing, but it’s the emotional connection that keeps relationships strong over the long haul.
- Ask meaningful questions. Engage in conversations that help you understand each other’s dreams, fears, and perspectives.
- Share your vulnerabilities. Real love means being able to share both the good and the bad. Letting him see the real you helps build a deeper, more genuine bond.
- Appreciate the everyday moments. Love isn’t just about big gestures; it’s about the little things. Look for ways to connect during everyday moments, like sharing a meal or talking about your day.
Building an emotional connection helps you see beyond the romantic ideal and into the deeper, meaningful bond that makes real love so fulfilling.
4. Build Self-Worth Outside of Relationships
If you’re seeking love to feel complete, it might be time to explore ways to build your self-worth independently of romance.
- Pursue passions that make you feel alive. Engaging in hobbies, interests, or personal goals can help you feel fulfilled on your own.
- Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. Building self-worth comes from treating yourself well and recognizing your inherent value.
- Set personal goals. Whether it’s in your career, hobbies, or personal growth, achieving things on your own terms builds confidence and reminds you that you’re whole and valuable, with or without a relationship.
When you know your worth, you’re less likely to settle for relationships that don’t meet your standards or fulfill you deeply.
Final Thoughts
Being in love with the idea of love is normal; it happens to many of us. But true fulfillment comes from a relationship that goes beyond the fantasy and into the reality of who your partner truly is. If you’ve found yourself caught up in the romance more than the relationship, remember, it’s never too late to reassess and refocus.
Real love isn’t about perfection. It’s about connection, growth, and embracing each other fully—flaws and all. So take a moment, breathe, and remember: you deserve a love that’s genuine, fulfilling, and real. You deserve to love someone not just for what love feels like but for who they truly are.