You’ve heard it before, right? “Just do it.” As if rekindling desire in your relationship is as simple as flipping a switch. But if it were that easy, you wouldn’t be here looking for answers. Because let’s face it – desire is complicated, messy, and sometimes frustrating. It’s not something you can force. And the whole “just do it” mentality? It often makes things worse.
But here’s the good news: rekindling desire is absolutely possible. It’s just not about forcing it or faking it. Instead, it’s about creating the right environment where desire can naturally grow. And yes, that might mean throwing out everything you thought you knew about how to bring the spark back.
So, if you’re ready to stop pretending, stop pushing, and start feeling real, authentic desire again, let’s dive in.
Why ‘Just Doing It’ Doesn’t Work
The advice to “just do it” usually comes from a good place. Maybe your partner or friends think it’s the nudge you need to get things going again. But the truth is, forcing yourself to have sex when you’re not feeling it doesn’t rekindle desire – it just adds pressure. And we all know what pressure does: it kills any chance of real connection.
When sex becomes a task on the to-do list, it stops being something enjoyable and turns into a chore. And nothing is less sexy than a chore, right?
The problem with “just doing it” is that it focuses on the act of sex, rather than the desire for sex. And those are two very different things. Desire comes from emotional connection, feeling seen, heard, and valued. It doesn’t come from simply going through the motions.
Understanding What Killed the Desire in the First Place
Before we can talk about how to rekindle desire, we need to understand why it faded in the first place. And no, it’s not because you’re “broken” or your relationship is doomed. Desire naturally ebbs and flows in every relationship, especially long-term ones.
Here are a few common reasons desire takes a dip:
- Stress: Work, money, family – life is stressful, and stress kills desire. When your mind is preoccupied, it’s hard to shift gears and feel in the mood.
- Routine: After a while, relationships can feel a bit like Groundhog Day. You do the same things, see each other in the same ways, and things can get… well, boring.
- Emotional disconnection: When you’re not emotionally connected, it’s hard to feel physically connected. If you and your partner haven’t been on the same page emotionally, desire will likely take a hit.
- Body image issues: How you feel about yourself plays a huge role in how much you want to be intimate. If you’re struggling with body image or self-esteem, that’s going to affect your desire.
- Resentment: Whether it’s small annoyances or bigger issues that have gone unresolved, resentment is a major desire killer.
Once you figure out why the desire faded, you can start addressing the root of the problem, rather than just trying to “push through” and hope things magically improve.
The Secret: Focus on Emotional Intimacy First
Here’s where things get interesting: rekindling desire isn’t about sex at all. It’s about connection. When you and your partner feel emotionally connected, desire follows naturally.
Think about it – when you first started dating, what made you want each other? It wasn’t just physical attraction. It was the excitement of getting to know each other, sharing your thoughts, dreams, and vulnerabilities. That emotional connection made you want to be close, and the desire followed effortlessly.
So, how do you rebuild that connection?
1. Talk, Really Talk
Let’s be honest – when was the last time you and your partner had a real conversation? Not the “What’s for dinner?” kind of talk, but a deep, meaningful conversation where you really opened up to each other. If it’s been a while, it’s time to change that.
Start by setting aside time to talk without distractions. Ask your partner how they’ve been feeling, what’s been on their mind, what they’re excited about, or what they’ve been struggling with. And don’t forget to share your own thoughts too.
This kind of emotional intimacy is the foundation for physical intimacy. The more connected you feel on a deeper level, the more natural it will feel to be close physically.
2. Make Time for Non-Sexual Touch
Sometimes, the best way to rekindle desire is to take sex off the table for a bit. That might sound counterintuitive, but hear me out. When sex has become a source of pressure or frustration, it can help to focus on non-sexual ways to reconnect physically.
Try simple things like holding hands, cuddling on the couch, or giving each other massages without the expectation of sex. These small gestures build intimacy and remind you both that touch doesn’t always have to lead to something more. This takes the pressure off and helps you feel closer.
When you’re physically close without the pressure of sex, it creates a space for desire to naturally re-emerge.
3. Break Out of the Routine
One of the biggest desire killers is routine. If your days look the same, your evenings are spent in front of the TV, and your weekends are filled with errands, it’s no wonder things feel stale.
To rekindle desire, you need to break out of that routine and bring some novelty back into your relationship. Try new activities together, plan a surprise date night, or even just switch up your normal evening routine. The key is to create opportunities for excitement and adventure, which can reignite that sense of curiosity and desire.
4. Work on Yourself
This one might surprise you, but rekindling desire isn’t just about your partner – it’s also about how you feel about yourself. If you’re struggling with self-esteem, stress, or body image issues, it’s going to be hard to feel desirable or want to be intimate.
Take some time to focus on self-care. This could mean anything from hitting the gym, spending time on hobbies you love, or even going to therapy to work through any lingering issues. The more confident and relaxed you feel in your own skin, the more open you’ll be to rekindling desire in your relationship.
5. Ditch the Expectations
This might be the most important tip of all: let go of any expectations about what sex “should” look like or how often it “should” happen. Every couple is different, and what works for one couple might not work for another. There’s no magic number for how often you should be having sex.
When you stop putting pressure on yourself (and your partner) to meet some arbitrary standard, it frees you up to focus on what feels right for you. This can be a huge relief and can actually make desire feel more spontaneous and genuine.
6. Rekindle Desire Together, Not Alone
It’s easy to feel like rekindling desire is a solo mission – something you need to fix on your own. But here’s the thing: desire is a two-way street. You and your partner need to work on this together.
Start by being honest with each other about where you’re at. Are you feeling disconnected? Are there resentments or frustrations that need to be addressed? The more open and honest you can be, the easier it will be to move forward together.
When you approach this as a team, it takes the pressure off both of you. Instead of one person feeling responsible for “fixing” things, you’re both invested in creating a stronger, more connected relationship.
The Bottom Line: It’s Not About ‘Just Doing It’
Rekindling desire isn’t about forcing it or pushing through when you’re not feeling it. It’s about creating the right conditions for desire to naturally return. That means focusing on emotional intimacy, breaking out of routines, and letting go of expectations.
It’s not a quick fix, but the good news is, you don’t have to fake it or force it. With a little effort, patience, and a lot of open communication, you can rekindle that spark – not because you should, but because you want to.
So, forget the old “just do it” advice. Instead, focus on building connection, having fun, and taking the pressure off. You’ll be amazed at how desire can grow when you create the space for it to flourish.