Have you ever been in a relationship where he says all the right things but doesn’t back them up with his actions? If his sweet words and promises don’t quite match up with what’s actually happening, it’s easy to feel like you’re left hanging in emotional limbo. One minute, he’s saying you’re “the one,” but then he goes MIA for days. Or he talks about a future together but hasn’t even introduced you to his friends. Sound familiar?
You’re not alone. It’s one of the most frustrating things in dating—when his words and actions don’t line up. It’s confusing, it’s hurtful, and honestly, it’s exhausting. So, what do you do next?
Let’s dive deep into how to handle this tricky situation. We’ll keep it real, break things down, and figure out where to go from here.
Recognize the Signs of Mismatched Words and Actions
First things first: how do you know if his words and actions aren’t syncing up? It’s easy to dismiss red flags when you’re emotionally invested, but it’s important to pay attention to the signs:
- Promises but no follow-through: He keeps telling you he wants to see you more, but he never makes concrete plans. If his calendar always seems “too full,” yet he has time for everything else, there’s a disconnect.
- Future talk with no real steps: He talks about “someday” and “our future,” but hasn’t taken any steps towards it. It’s easy for someone to say, “I can see us moving in together,” but if you’ve been dating for a while and he hasn’t made any effort to get there, it’s just talk.
- Inconsistent communication: One day he’s texting you non-stop, saying how much he misses you, and the next, he goes radio silent for days. It’s like emotional whiplash.
- Sweet words, distant behavior: He might say, “You mean the world to me,” but if he’s not showing up for you when it matters, those words ring hollow.
Take a step back and observe his behavior. Is there a pattern of saying one thing and doing another? If so, it’s time to confront the reality of the situation.
Ask Yourself: What Do You Need?
Before you start questioning him, it’s important to get clear about your own needs. When his words and actions don’t match, it leaves you in a state of confusion. And confusion isn’t a comfortable place to be.
What do you need from this relationship to feel secure and happy? It’s not about being “needy” or “high-maintenance”; it’s about knowing what you need to feel loved and respected.
Write it down if you have to:
- Do you need more consistency in communication?
- Are you looking for more time together?
- Do you need to feel like a priority, not just an option?
Understanding your own needs is the first step to deciding if his actions can truly fulfill what you’re looking for—or if he’s just feeding you empty words.
Stop Making Excuses for His Behavior
Let’s be real—when you like someone, it’s easy to make excuses for them. You tell yourself he’s just “busy,” “stressed,” or “going through a lot.” But if his actions keep disappointing you, it’s time to stop making excuses for why he isn’t stepping up.
Sure, life can get hectic. But if someone truly values you, they will show it, even during the chaotic times. They’ll find a way to fit you into their life, not just their words.
It’s time to stop giving him a pass and start holding him accountable. If he’s not meeting you halfway, it’s okay to acknowledge that maybe he’s just not putting in the effort.
Have the Hard Conversation
Now comes the part that’s not exactly fun—but it’s necessary. It’s time to talk to him about what you’ve been noticing.
Approach the conversation from a place of honesty, not accusation. You’re not here to “catch him in a lie” but to understand why there’s a gap between his words and actions. You can say something like:
“I’ve noticed that you say you want to spend more time together, but we don’t actually end up seeing each other much. I’m just trying to understand where we stand.”
Key things to keep in mind:
- Stay calm and collected. Keep it about how you feel and what you need, rather than pointing fingers.
- Be specific. Instead of saying, “You’re always inconsistent,” use examples: “Last week, you said you wanted to see me, but then didn’t follow up.”
- Listen to his response. His reaction will tell you a lot. If he gets defensive or dismissive, that’s a red flag.
The goal here is to get clarity, not to “win” the argument. If he’s willing to step up and match his actions to his words, great! If not, well, then you have some decisions to make.
Pay Attention to His Actions Post-Conversation
Talk is cheap, right? So, after you have this heart-to-heart, focus on what he does next. Does he step up and make changes? Or do you find yourself right back where you started, with more sweet words and broken promises?
Actions speak louder than words. If he continues to let you down, you’ve got your answer. But if he shows a genuine effort to be consistent, it might be worth giving him a chance. Just remember, you don’t need to settle for small crumbs of effort.
Don’t Fall for “Future Faking”
Here’s a sneaky tactic some people use, knowingly or unknowingly—“future faking.” It’s when someone paints a picture of a wonderful future together, without any real intention of making it happen. It sounds something like:
- “I can see us traveling the world together someday.”
- “I want to buy a house with you someday.”
- “I think we’d make the best parents.”
These statements can feel comforting, but if there’s no progress toward those promises, they’re just fantasies. Future talk is lovely, but only if it’s backed up with actual steps toward that future. If he’s talking about “someday” without any action, it might be time to focus on the present reality rather than future possibilities.
Don’t Ignore the Red Flags
When you’re emotionally invested, it’s easy to overlook the warning signs. But when his words and actions don’t align, these are red flags, not minor “quirks” to be excused away.
Here are some red flags to watch out for:
- He’s always full of excuses: There’s always a reason why he can’t follow through. It’s always “bad timing.”
- You’re constantly left guessing: If you’re always unsure of where you stand or what’s going on, that’s a problem.
- He gets defensive when you bring it up: If you can’t have an open, honest conversation about your needs, there’s a lack of emotional maturity.
Don’t let yourself stay stuck in a relationship where you’re constantly left in the dark or feeling unimportant. Red flags are there to protect you, not to challenge your patience.
Trust Your Gut
You know when something feels off. That nagging feeling in your stomach that tells you something isn’t right—it’s there for a reason. Trust your instincts. You don’t need to wait for a mountain of evidence to take action. If his behavior doesn’t sit right with you, it’s enough.
Don’t underestimate the power of your intuition. If you feel like you’re constantly trying to decipher his behavior or justify his actions to yourself, it’s a sign that you’re not getting what you need.
Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
If you want to stop feeling confused and start getting clarity, boundaries are your best friend. Setting boundaries isn’t about controlling him—it’s about protecting your own peace and happiness.
For example:
- If he cancels plans last minute, don’t immediately reschedule. Show him that your time is valuable.
- If he’s inconsistent with texting, don’t chase him for replies. Let him come to you.
- If he talks about the future, ask for a timeline or a real plan. Don’t settle for vague promises.
Boundaries show him that you know your worth and won’t accept less than you deserve. If he can’t respect those boundaries, that’s a reflection of him, not you.
Know When to Walk Away
At the end of the day, if his actions continue to fall short, it’s okay to walk away. You deserve a relationship where love is shown, not just spoken. If he’s not willing or able to step up, let him go.
Walking away doesn’t mean you’re giving up; it means you’re choosing yourself. You’re choosing to stop waiting for someone to live up to their words and instead find someone who shows you what love looks like in action.
Remember, love isn’t supposed to feel like a guessing game. If you’re constantly trying to decode mixed signals, it’s time to move on to someone who will love you without hesitation.
Final Thoughts
When his words and actions don’t match, it can feel like you’re stuck in a relationship with no direction. But here’s the truth: you don’t need to settle for someone who doesn’t show up for you. You’re not asking for too much just because you want actions to back up words.
You deserve someone who keeps their promises, shows up consistently, and makes you feel like a priority. If he’s not doing that, you’re allowed to put yourself first and walk away. The right person will make you feel secure, valued, and loved—not confused.
Remember: You’re worthy of love that is as strong in action as it is in words. Don’t settle for anything less.