Relationships should feel like a dance—sometimes you lead, and other times, you let your partner take the spotlight. But what happens when you feel like you’re the one always putting in the work, making plans, checking in, and trying to keep things together? It’s exhausting. And it can make you question whether this relationship is balanced at all.
Let’s talk about why some of us feel like we’re putting in 90% of the effort, what could be behind this dynamic, and, most importantly, how to rebalance it. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why am I always the one trying harder?” you’re definitely not alone.
Understanding the Effort Imbalance
When we’re invested in someone, it’s natural to want to make an effort. Whether it’s through thoughtful gestures, initiating conversations, or planning dates, effort is how we show love and commitment. But when it feels like the effort isn’t mutual, it can lead to frustration, resentment, and self-doubt. The good news? It’s not always about the relationship itself being doomed. Sometimes, it has more to do with patterns, communication issues, and how each person understands and expresses love.
Attachment Styles and Relationship Effort
Attachment theory can help explain why effort imbalances happen. According to this theory, our attachment style—formed through a mix of genetics, childhood experiences, and past relationships—affects how we approach intimacy, dependency, and conflict in relationships.
The Anxious Partner: Over-Investing Out of Fear
People with an anxious attachment style often worry about abandonment or whether their partner truly loves them. This fear can drive them to put in more effort than their partner, seeking reassurance through their actions. Anxious individuals might frequently check in, go out of their way to do thoughtful things, and put their partner’s needs ahead of their own. They might believe that, if they just try hard enough, they’ll gain the love and security they crave. Unfortunately, this constant over-investment often leads to feeling burnt out and unappreciated.
The Avoidant Partner: Holding Back to Maintain Space
If your partner has an avoidant attachment style, they may unintentionally create an effort imbalance. Avoidantly attached individuals often guard their independence, even within relationships. They may shy away from displays of affection, see constant communication as overwhelming, and feel stifled by too much intimacy. This doesn’t mean they don’t care—it’s just that they show love in ways that don’t always match their partner’s expectations. If you’re the anxious one in the relationship, this dynamic can leave you feeling like you’re doing all the heavy lifting to keep the relationship going.
The Secure Partner: Natural Balance
For those with a secure attachment style, relationships feel less like a tug-of-war. They’re comfortable giving and receiving love, seeking closeness, and balancing their needs with those of their partner. If you’re secure, you may notice the imbalance but find yourself unsure of how to address it, especially if you’re with someone whose attachment style makes them reluctant to give more.
Why It Feels Like You’re Trying Harder
Sometimes, the effort imbalance isn’t entirely about attachment styles. Other factors can come into play:
1. Different Communication Styles
People have different ways of expressing love and care. Some are more verbal, constantly checking in or expressing affection, while others are more action-oriented, showing love through deeds rather than words. If your style involves frequent verbal affirmations or acts of service and your partner isn’t naturally inclined to reciprocate in those ways, it can feel like they’re not making as much effort.
2. Over-Reliance on One Partner for Emotional Fulfillment
Relationships are meant to enhance our lives, not complete us. If you find yourself feeling overly reliant on your partner for happiness, you may unintentionally over-invest, hoping they’ll fill in the gaps. This isn’t about blaming yourself; rather, it’s about recognizing that no one person can meet all our needs.
3. Past Experiences Shaping Present Behavior
Our past experiences can impact how much effort we invest in relationships. If you’ve been hurt before, you might feel the need to try harder to prevent history from repeating itself. Similarly, if your partner has experienced negative relationships, they might subconsciously hold back to protect themselves.
Rebalancing Effort: Steps to Create an Equitable Relationship
So, how do you reset the balance? Here are some practical steps to try if you feel like you’re always the one putting in more work.
Communicate Openly About Needs
Before diving into more actions, have an honest conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling. Use “I” statements—like “I feel like I’m putting in more effort than you are”—to avoid sounding accusatory. Talk about what you need in terms of affection, communication, and support. Often, people don’t realize there’s an imbalance until it’s brought to their attention.
Encourage Reciprocity Without Demanding It
It’s natural to want your partner to reciprocate your efforts, but it’s also important to let them do it in their way. You can encourage them to step up by expressing appreciation when they do put in effort, rather than demanding a specific response. For instance, if they initiate a date night, acknowledge how much it means to you.
Establish Boundaries for Your Own Effort
Set boundaries for yourself regarding how much effort you’re willing to invest without feeling resentful. If you’re always the one planning outings, try to step back and see if they initiate plans. Giving space for your partner to contribute can make the relationship feel more balanced.
Understand Their Perspective
Try to see things from your partner’s point of view. Are they putting in effort in ways that maybe you haven’t noticed? For example, they might be showing support through practical help or small, thoughtful gestures. Understanding their love language can help you recognize their unique contributions.
Take Stock of What’s Working
Reflect on what’s going well in the relationship. Sometimes, we become so focused on what isn’t happening that we overlook what is. Take time to appreciate the things your partner does right, even if they’re different from what you usually look for. Rebalancing effort is about mutual appreciation as much as it’s about sharing the work.
When to Reevaluate: Recognizing Signs of Unhealthy Patterns
If, despite your efforts to create balance, the relationship still feels one-sided, it may be time to reevaluate. Here are some signs that the effort imbalance might be a deeper issue:
- You feel consistently drained or unappreciated, even after communicating.
- Your partner dismisses your needs or reacts defensively when you bring them up.
- You notice a pattern where you’re compromising more frequently than they are.
- Your partner doesn’t seem interested in making changes to support the relationship’s health.
Sometimes, an imbalanced relationship isn’t about effort alone—it’s about compatibility and willingness to grow together. If your partner is unwilling to work on balancing effort, it may be a sign that you deserve someone who values your love and commitment just as much as you value theirs.
Finding Fulfillment Without Overextending Yourself
Remember, a relationship should add to your happiness, not drain it. Finding a balance in effort requires honest communication, a clear understanding of each other’s needs, and a commitment to building a mutually satisfying partnership. You don’t have to stop being a thoughtful and giving partner; just make sure that you’re not compromising your well-being to keep the relationship afloat.
Rediscover activities that bring you joy outside of your relationship, reconnect with friends, and engage in hobbies that make you feel fulfilled. Being happy on your own can lessen the need to over-invest in the relationship, which naturally rebalances the effort dynamic.
Balancing effort in relationships isn’t about keeping score—it’s about creating a partnership where both people feel valued and supported. If you’re feeling like you’re always the one trying harder, take the time to communicate, set boundaries, and understand each other’s needs. And remember, a loving relationship should feel like a two-way street. You deserve someone who’s willing to meet you halfway, creating a connection where both of you can thrive.