We’ve all heard it at some point. Maybe a well-meaning friend suggested it, or maybe you’ve told yourself: “Just have sex. It’ll fix things.” But the reality is, that advice often does more harm than good. If it were that simple, you wouldn’t be here reading this, right?
The truth is, relationships are complicated, and intimacy is much more than a physical act. The “just have sex” solution ignores the emotional, psychological, and even logistical factors that contribute to a healthy sex life. Let’s break down why this approach doesn’t work and, more importantly, what to do instead.
Why ‘Just Have Sex’ Doesn’t Work
It sounds simple, and maybe even logical on the surface: if sex is lacking, just make it happen. But forcing intimacy without addressing the root cause is like putting a Band-Aid on a deep wound. It might cover things up temporarily, but it won’t heal what’s going on underneath.
Here’s why “just have sex” isn’t the magic solution:
1. It Creates Pressure
Sexual intimacy should be something that both partners enjoy and look forward to, not something that feels like an obligation. When the advice is “just have sex,” it puts pressure on both people. One partner might feel like they have to initiate sex, even if they’re not feeling it, and the other might feel rejected if the timing isn’t right.
Sex that feels forced or pressured isn’t enjoyable – it’s stressful. And stress is the enemy of desire.
2. It Ignores Emotional Connection
Let’s be real: sex isn’t just a physical act. It’s deeply connected to our emotions. If you and your partner aren’t feeling connected emotionally, it’s going to be hard to feel connected physically. When someone says, “just have sex,” they’re ignoring the fact that emotional intimacy often comes first.
Think about the last time you really felt close to your partner. Chances are, it wasn’t just about the physical side of things. You felt understood, valued, and connected. That’s what sparks desire.
3. It Dismisses Underlying Issues
Maybe you’re going through a stressful time at work, or perhaps there are unresolved arguments or resentment bubbling beneath the surface. These things affect your desire to be intimate.
When the advice is “just have sex,” it dismisses these underlying issues and puts the focus on fixing the symptoms rather than the cause. But you can’t build a healthy sex life if you’re ignoring the emotional and mental blocks that might be in the way.
4. It Can Make Things Worse
Forcing sex when one or both partners aren’t in the right headspace can actually create more problems. One person might feel pressured, the other might feel rejected, and both might end up feeling even more disconnected.
This cycle of frustration leads to even more distance, making it harder to rekindle the natural desire for intimacy.
What to Do Instead: Rekindle the Connection
So, if “just have sex” isn’t the answer, what is? The key to rekindling intimacy lies in reconnecting emotionally, creating space for desire, and removing the pressure. Here are some strategies to bring back that spark, without forcing it.
1. Focus on Emotional Intimacy
If you’re feeling disconnected sexually, chances are there’s an emotional disconnect happening too. Rebuilding emotional intimacy is the first step toward rekindling physical intimacy.
Start by having real conversations. Not the surface-level stuff like who’s picking up the groceries, but deep, meaningful talks about how you’re feeling, what’s been on your mind, and how you can support each other better.
When you feel emotionally connected, desire naturally follows. It’s not about forcing anything – it’s about creating the emotional safety that allows both partners to feel close.
2. Take the Pressure Off
Sex should never feel like something you have to do. If there’s pressure to perform, it takes away from the genuine desire to be close.
Instead of focusing on “fixing” the sex issue, focus on spending quality time together without the expectation of sex. Go on a date, have a fun day out, or even just cuddle on the couch. Physical closeness without the pressure of sex can actually reignite the spark, making it easier for desire to come back naturally.
The key is to create a relaxed, enjoyable environment where intimacy can flourish without the weight of expectation.
3. Prioritize Non-Sexual Affection
When sex becomes the only way you connect physically, it puts a lot of pressure on that one act. But intimacy isn’t just about what happens in the bedroom. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and just being physically close without the goal of sex can help rebuild that sense of connection.
By prioritizing non-sexual affection, you remove the pressure and allow both of you to enjoy physical closeness without any added expectations.
4. Break the Routine
Let’s face it: routine can kill desire. If your days all look the same, with little excitement or novelty, it’s no wonder your sex life feels stale. But the good news is, shaking things up doesn’t require grand gestures.
Try something new together. Whether it’s a spontaneous day trip, cooking a new recipe, or exploring a hobby, doing new things together brings excitement back into your relationship. And when you’re having fun and experiencing new things, it’s easier for desire to follow.
5. Deal with the Underlying Issues
If there’s unresolved tension or resentment between you and your partner, it’s going to show up in your sex life. Whether it’s stress, communication issues, or past arguments that haven’t been addressed, these things need to be dealt with before you can truly reconnect.
Take time to sit down and talk about what’s been bothering you. It’s not always easy, but clearing the air can open up space for intimacy to return. If necessary, consider seeking the help of a therapist to guide you through the tougher conversations.
6. Make Time for Fun and Laughter
We often forget how much fun plays a role in a healthy relationship. When was the last time you laughed together? Sometimes, we get so caught up in the daily grind that we forget to enjoy each other’s company.
Laughter and playfulness create a sense of connection and ease that naturally leads to intimacy. So, whether it’s a silly game, a funny movie, or just joking around with each other, make room for fun.
When you’re having a good time together, the pressure disappears, and the desire can flow naturally.
7. Be Patient with Yourself and Each Other
Rekindling desire isn’t something that happens overnight, and that’s okay. It’s a process. If one or both of you have been feeling disconnected for a while, it’s going to take time to rebuild that closeness.
The important thing is to be patient with yourself and your partner. Don’t expect everything to be fixed with one romantic night or a single conversation. Take it step by step, and focus on enjoying the journey of rediscovery, rather than rushing to get back to where you were.
8. Focus on the Small Wins
When you’re trying to rebuild intimacy, it’s easy to get caught up in thinking about what’s missing or what’s not working. But instead of focusing on the big picture, try to celebrate the small wins along the way.
Maybe you had a great conversation, shared a moment of laughter, or just felt a little closer than you have in a while. These small wins add up and help rebuild the foundation of intimacy in your relationship.
The Bottom Line: It’s About Connection, Not Obligation
At the end of the day, the advice to “just have sex” misses the point entirely. Intimacy is about so much more than just the act of sex. It’s about emotional connection, feeling safe and understood, and wanting to be close to your partner – not feeling like you have to be.
If you focus on rebuilding that connection and removing the pressure, the desire will come back. Maybe not immediately, but it will. And when it does, it’ll be real, authentic, and so much more satisfying than anything that was forced.
So, forget the “just do it” mentality. Instead, focus on reconnecting, enjoying each other, and letting intimacy grow naturally. You’ve got this.